After Goodbye: How to cope with grief and find your way forward

Janice Learmond-Criqui

Death is one of life’s few certainties. We know that every life must eventually end, yet nothing truly prepares us for the moment someone or a pet we love is gone.

The recent passing of Slinger Francisco, our beloved Mighty Sparrow, has left Trinidad and Tobago reflecting on the loss of a cultural giant. At the same time, families are facing quieter, deeply personal heartbreaks. A friend of mine has just lost his mother. Whether the person is known to thousands or cherished by a handful, grief is real, and the question is the same: how do we carry on? There is no magic formula, and grief does not follow a timetable.

Resist comparing your response with anyone else’s. One sibling may want to talk constantly while another remains quiet. Neither is necessarily grieving less. And please avoid telling a bereaved person to “get over it”. What they need is patience, compassion and room to heal.

But there are practical things we can do to help ourselves through it.

Allow yourself to feel. You may cry, feel angry, struggle to concentrate or experience a strange numbness. You may even feel relief after a loved one’s long illness, followed by guilt for feeling it.

These reactions do not measure how much you loved someone. Instead of demanding that you “be strong”, acknowledge what you are experiencing. Say, “Today I am sad”, and give yourself room to be.

Do not grieve alone. Contact a trusted relative, friend, faith leader or counsellor. You need not deliver a perfect explanation.

Sometimes saying, “I am having a difficult day. Can we talk?” is enough. And if someone you know is grieving, do more than say, “Call me if you need anything.” Offer to bring a meal, help with errands or accompany them to an appointment. Practical kindness matters.

Look after the basics. Grief can disrupt sleep, appetite and energy. Drink water, eat regularly, rest when possible and take a short walk. Try to keep one simple daily routine, even if it is just making your bed or stepping outside each morning. Small actions can provide stability when everything else feels uncertain.

Keep the memories alive. Talk about the person. Play a favourite song, prepare a dish they loved, look at photographs or write down stories you do not want to forget. Sparrow’s songs will continue to connect generations; within our own families, cherished memories can do something similar. Remembering may bring tears one day and laughter the next. Both are welcome.

Be gentle with your regrets. After a death, the mind often returns to unfinished conversations: “I should have visited”, “I wish I had apologised”, “Why didn’t I say I love you?” Where possible, learn from those feelings rather than allowing them to punish you. Tell the people who are still here what they mean to you. We cannot change yesterday, but we can live more thoughtfully today.

Take life one step at a time. Do not pressure yourself to “move on” by a certain date. Begin with manageable plans: return to an activity you enjoy, visit a friend or spend time in nature. Birthdays, anniversaries and holidays may reopen the ache. That does not mean you are going backwards. Healing is rarely a straight line.

If grief leaves you unable to manage daily life for a prolonged period, or you feel overwhelmed or unsafe, seek support from a qualified mental health professional. You do not have to face that burden alone.

Above all, remember this: finding moments of happiness again is not betrayal. You can miss someone terribly and still laugh, love, make plans and enjoy the years ahead.

Death reminds us that time is precious. While we are here, let us express affection, settle unnecessary quarrels and make memories worth keeping.

We honour those who have died not by giving up on life, but by carrying their love forward as we continue to live.