When You’re Okay and They’re Not: Navigating Survivor’s Guilt After Disaster

Content note: This article discusses mental health and hurricane-related trauma. Please take care of yourself while reading and give yourself grace if emotions arise.

There are two sides to every story, and your side is one of them. In the aftermath of Hurricane Melissa in Jamaica, I have observed that dichotomous thinking is everywhere, but life isn’t binary. There are arguments about displays of gratitude and whether it is appropriate or inappropriate, which areas deserve attention versus which areas are not getting enough, how can Kingston be ‘back to normal’, which entities should be giving whilst others are quiet, and the list goes on. Honestly, just writing that list is exhaustive and the feelings associated before, during and even after Hurricane Melissa have been overwhelming. Many are experiencing what psychologists call survivor’s guilt. Can’t we hold space for each other?

“Holding space” means to offer a supportive, non-judgmental environment for a person to feel and process their emotions and experiences without attempting to fix or control the situation.

Let us talk about it…

1. Survivor’s Guilt versus Survivor’s Grace

Many parishes were hit very hard by Hurricane Melissa. Those residents’ lives will forever be changed as they try to pick up the pieces, literally and figuratively. While residents of devastated parishes are still hurting, suffering exists everywhere, even in places that appear fine. For example, many assume life in Kingston quickly returned to normal, but that’s not the full story. There are people within St. Andrew who have been directly negatively impacted, even if you are not hearing much about it. Nevertheless, the narrative appears to be that Kingstonians are fine. I have seen persons expressing gratitude that Kingston is fine to be met with negativity, ‘how could you be expressing being blessed? Look what has happened to other people on the island?’ Can two things be true? Can I be grateful that I was spared, whilst feeling distraught about the destruction that Melissa has rendered on many people in our island home? Your relief is valid too. The nuance is not whether we express gratitude, but how and when we centre our own relief when others are in crisis.

Over the last few days, there has been a term that has been discussed, ‘survivor’s guilt’.

Survivor’s guilt (or survivor guilt) is the experience of psychological distress due to surviving or escaping a situation relatively unharmed or unaffected, as compared to others. When one emerges relatively unharmed from an accident, conflict, or pandemic, for example, while others have died or experienced significant loss, a person may experience survivor’s guilt, despite bearing no responsibility for the outcomes that occurred.[1]

Interestingly, Rushane ‘RushCam’ Campbell shared a perspective on TikTok that reframed survivor’s guilt as survivor’s grace. He explains that guilt contributes to us being anxious, divided, and in a state where we are scattered and overcompensating. Additionally, guilt usually means that we did something to directly contribute to the situation. Grace, on the other hand, means unmerited favour; it isn’t something that we directly did, rather it is how things played out, whether you frame this through faith (God’s plan), philosophy, or simply chance, the key is moving from paralysis to purpose. This grace should unite us, allow us to feel gratitude for the position that we are in, think about others more especially, since we know it is not based on our actions, and why we are in this position. Survivor’s grace should influence us to give our time, gifts and talents to help. Rushcam’s thoughts are actually in alignment with the psychological literature, which suggests that we can overcome survivor’s guilt by:

• Maintaining one’s physical health, especially a positive diet and sleep habits.
• Taking positive action, particularly to help others touched by the traumatic event they survived it reportedly helps some people feel that they are of service and reminds them that their life has value.
• Writing about one’s experience in a journal has also been found to help some survivors move forward.

Hurricane Melissa has impacted all of us in different ways. Maybe you feel that you can’t speak up because others have lost more. In other words, your damage is not enough. Let us stop judging and instead hold space for each other.

2. The Weight of Helping Others When You’re Barely Holding On

Preparing for a hurricane and dealing with the aftermath of the hurricane are unplanned expenses. For some individuals, a new financial strain has come into play as they have to take care of themselves, immediate family members, as well as family members that may have been displaced in affected areas. The emotional toil of being the “stable one” may be something that is rearing its head. The pressure to help others when you are barely holding on is also very real. The weight of helping others when you are also trying to stay afloat may eventually weigh you down. There may also be guilt in sharing how you are feeling. If you are an individual balancing the weight of helping others whilst helping yourself, consider:

• Refilling your own cup through rest, prayer, laughter, or activities that nourish you.
• Letting someone support you too; you deserve help just as much.
• Setting micro-boundaries (turn off notifications, delay replies, take quiet breaks).
• Acknowledging that you can care for others and feel overwhelmed at the same time.

People are going through many things; let us hold space for each other.

3. Emotional Reality of Working When Your Heart is Elsewhere

Many people are returning to work, still carrying the storm inside them. In conversation, there is the reality of the employers trying to keep afloat and the employee needing time to regroup before returning to work. The employer needs to operate so that they can earn revenue, which in turn will keep people employed. The employee needs time as they need to manage the mental anguish of being physically present but emotionally absent. Both are doing their best, and compassion is needed on both ends.

For employers with limited flexibility, even small gestures like checking in genuinely and acknowledging the strain of the situation matter more than you might think. A few things you can do include:

• Check-in, Don’t Check up, but rather lead with humanity
• Communicate transparently and consistently about the state of the business. When staff understand the “why” behind decisions, they are more likely to be patient and supportive.
• Offer flexibility where possible by exploring hybrid and remote options, staggered working times and adjusted deadlines as applicable.
• Provide connection to support services such as counselling. If funding is an issue, consider partnering with faith-based organisations for mental-health outreach.

For employees, empathy flows the other way too. Employers are also people who you can support by:

• Communicating honestly about your situation which gives your employer an opportunity to support you
• Being patient and solution-oriented
• Focusing on progress, not perfection
• Checking on your leaders too as empathy flows both ways

Empathy is a shared responsibility. We all want to keep going, but maybe “business as usual” isn’t what’s needed right now. Maybe what’s needed is business with heart.

4. The Mental Health Crisis We’re Not Talking About

It is difficult to escape the trauma of Hurricane Melissa. It is in the newspaper, social media, news reports, and admittedly even this blog. Unless you really make an effort not to communicate with others, it is hard to escape the realities of Melissa, whether you received an immediate impact or not. Hurricane Melissa will impact every single Jamaican. Trauma isn’t just for people who lost homes. There is anxiety about the next storm (hurricane season isn’t over). There is anxiety about jobs and what will happen whether you work for someone or work for yourself. There is anxiety about food security. There are the invisible wounds which show up in stress, nightmares and hypervigilance. It is A LOT. If you or someone you know is struggling and needs mental health support, help is available in Jamaica through a 24/7 helpline offered by the Ministry of Health: 888-NEW-LIFE (888–639–5433). Let us give ourselves and others grace. Let us be empathetic, kind and considerate. Let us hold space for each other as needed.

A Call for Compassion

In closing, before we criticise how someone is coping or responding, let us pause. We can hold space for multiple truths at one. Your experience doesn’t invalidate someone else’s, and theirs doesn’t invalidate yours. We are all trying to make sense of disruption in different ways. I have given a few action-oriented ideas to overcome concerns; however, if you are not ready for these steps, that is okay too. May we all learn to hold space, not just for others, but for ourselves, too.

References

1. Survivor Guilt — https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/survivor-guilt
2. Rushane Campbell — TikTok Handle (@RushCam)

Yolande Hylton is the Managing Director of Hylton Insights, an HR Consultancy Firm with a mandate to guide businesses from the transactional to the transformational HR realm, thereby enhancing individual and organisational performance. For inquiries or to learn more, you can reach out to yolande@hyltoninsights.com or visit www.hyltoninsights.com