The caring role of grandparents

On top of the knowledge that births are decreasing across the world and there are now more elderly people than young children (around 700 million people over 65 on the planet against about 680 million aged 0-4), and that parents seem to be showing a preference for girl children over boys, comes the news that in Spain, of all places, some grandparents are refusing to take care of their grandchildren.

Grandparents have always, it seems, been around helping to care for the children of their children.

Southern European countries like Spain, Italy and Portugal, are the ones where the largest percentage of grandparents take care of their grands. It’s estimated that 75% of Spanish grandparents take care of their grandchildren at some point during the week. But other countries join in. Some nine million British grandparents, the so-called “grey army,” spend an average of eight hours a week helping to care for their grandchildren and more than half of UK grandparents provide at least four hours of grandchild care a day.

For centuries, the Indian joint family system integrated the elderly into family and childcare duties. But during the past two-three decades, with the rise of the 21st-century nuclear family, the role of grandparents has steadily diminished.

Still, over one-quarter of Asian/Indian grandparents help care for their grandchildren. Just under one-quarter provide care several times a week. Most care for one or more grandchildren.

Although grandparents have been around for centuries, in the last 50 years, grandparents, and especially grandmothers, have become more and more important in the task of bringing up a child. One of the reasons is that people are living longer. Since 1960, global life expectancy has risen from 52 to 72 years. Another is that families are shrinking, so the ratio of grands to grandchildren is rising. We are living longer and not making enough babies. There are lots more grandparents around and a lot fewer babies, and more mothers are working outside of their homes and childcare is prohibitively expensive. Enter the modern grandparent.

Some of modern grandparent care looks suspiciously like parenting. And this can bring problems. There may be disagreements about values. Food and discipline are major stumbling blocks. Rearing styles have changed. Today’s permissive, helicopter style usually grates on the more sensible ideas of child rearing of those over 65.

The idea that children must be constantly supervised and shouldn’t be left alone to be “bored” is another unfortunate consequence of social media, where now almost any parenting theory is eagerly accepted. The advent of AI will either drive parents mad with worry or force people to come to terms with their fears and actually listen to other people to find out what is going on.

In our Caribbean society, grandparents usually mean grandmas, although I am seeing more and more grandpas around. How many of us have been raised by grandmothers? There is such a strong tradition in the Caribbean of being brought up by grandma. We should have a “Grandmother of the Year Award.” Older women also raise other people’s children, so the words grandma and tantie and auntie are often interrelated.

Still, even in traditional societies, grandparents are rebelling against what’s been called the “enslaved grandparent syndrome.” Now, Spanish grandparents are putting their foot down. Enough is enough they say. Some fear that what started as an act of love can turn into a full-time job. They say you have to learn to set boundaries, even within the family. Some go so far as to believe that if grandparents look after the children and the parents are financially stable, they should get paid a salary.

The advantages for both sets of grands are many. The presence of grandparents as part of children’s upbringing brings with it greater cognitive development and emotional and social well-being. Some studies find that grandparents who help care for their grandchildren live longer than those who do not.

But there are malignant side effects too. Career grandparents are at a higher risk of physical and mental overload, anxiety, sleep disorders, social isolation and lack of self-care.

The duty of grandparents is really to spoil grandchildren. It’s very difficult to do otherwise. The love for grandchildren is different. With one’s children, love is mixed up with duty, work, discipline, worry, education, social level and pressure.

The good thing about being a grandparent is that you can love up the grands, hug them up, spoil them, then send them back to their parents and go to sleep.

There’s a jokey saying in paediatrics, “Choose your parents carefully.” The adult corollary might very well be: “A woman shouldn’t be allowed to have a baby until she’s checked with the grandparents first.”